This are quite personal information but I decided to share it with you
That night I reached other side of Atlantic ocean it was my spiritual finish line of Round The World Tour. Yes official stop is in Poland. My Home Land.
But
Tomorrow in Buenos Aires my girl friend will arrive And as we planned we will visit Patagonia and than ... Life happy together?
I was Chewing some kind of confusion in last months tonight even harder - I was tired, burn by the sun and motorbike fire as mentioned earlier. But biggest burn out was my travel Love -Marije.
I don't know how much I wrote about Duch love before. Relationship with her was the hardest in my life.
Now I know my lover was probably some kind of narcissistic person and with me being highly sensitive it went quite damaging. And only by the time passed I see it was more damage than my divorce and maybe more than relation with my tyranny father.
Back in Irkuck - Russia when I meet her for a less than a week for the first time in the Hostel. Back than my childish personality trust her so much and almost instantly - felt in love. When she start Talking about future family and home and said I can come over to see her if I decide to transport motorbike from Europe.
I remember my long stay in Vladivostok when i was talking with her over messenger and could not make clear - what is what - and to make my decision I was trying be carefull. My plan was to ship bike to south Korea and than to Canada. But she insist that she was stil waiting for me.
So I make plan to travel back to Europe to see her . This was also good way to send motorbike to S.America as I have good around 400 euro price for share container Shipping. So I decided to go back for me and for her....
But in 2 weeks after me arrived in Nederland she said she was trying with somebody else whilst seducing me back to Holland. This blow me of - and i wanted to run away - but the day before in Amsterdam my Yamaha bend one of the valve so engine was kaput.
I didn't know if this was some type of Narcissism rejection and Marije decided to finish this up or just make damaged and play this co-dependant dance.
I after i fixed the M-bike I wanted to go away - but something hold me there. Maybe job I had or this demonic attachment with her.
She want me to stay too.
I only start to understand this more now, when travel ends when Love became co-dependant and only people who survived toxic relation knows what it taste like.
This damaged me deeply.
Why I am writing this now?
For many reasons.
What it is like to experience this kind of trauma as toxic - narcissistic relation. Like a post traumatic stress disorder. it need heal. it was like push and pull. me nerves were stretched to maximum.
My motorbike crash in Senegal was easier to heal than this.
I was living 4 months in Nederland with her and this left big dent in my psyche But still like unstoppable hypnosis: I dreamed of family with her. But I couldn't give up my dream travel to finish before i make full cycle of around the world. and this ideas kept me going and relaxes me somehow.
My original plan for South America was to travel chile - Argentina and then zigzak up through the Uruguay, Paraguay, Boliwia, Peru and Equator. However i made full cycle around the world I still regret I shorten my travel for her - So i only went from Chile and Argentina than She arrived in Buenos Aires - and we have moto - holiday in Patagonia.
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| Patagonia |
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| With my Anti-Love |
In some way this was crazy beautiful moments in Patagonia and in the same time bitter as we had bad fight of nothing. We traveled south, and besides this was great and new adventure for me to travel with someone you love together.
Bigger Damage was coming soon
As we traveled south Chile closer back to Valparaiso I felt same in love in one hand and confused in other. There I suppose to make decision with her and continue my journey on my own or leave the bike at shipping depot and go back with Marije to Holland. In some way I wasn't sure what was in her mind as at once she was full of love than she put me down.
Toxic relationship is hard to break and its hypnotic I would say highly addictive and damaging.
We had last riding day and she was trying to tell me something important like: I'm handsome guy and it was pleasant to meet me as she would say good bye - but she didn't or I would like to hear that but probably I would like to hear that straight and have option to keep the bike and travel more on my own.
Now I understand that Narcissistic person more. Also know my self better.
So last day I left my bike in to shipping company depot and we still have walks and cinema till late night, as "normal couple'' 'would have. next day we took a bus to Santiago to catch up flight to Europe. We still have had time for city tours to get to airport and flew to Lima where we had to book separate flight to Europe.
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| last day before departure and no signs of disaster |
At Lima Airport we had whole night before flights - than she said I can not comeback with her to Nederland and and I need change my bookings this is the end - - - - - --
I didn't know what to do.
I was separate with my Zebra - motorbike and in different country with little money in the pocket to restart the process of travel again.
She broke me hard for the second time. without many option
I had only few hours to rearrange flight and no ether one way to go or to stay.
So from Milan I could only go to Poland or Glasgow where my sister was.
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| At the airport She Said - we can not come back together |
Post Scriptum
I wanted to speak out what happened to the end of my travel. However I was broken and feel ashamed - I made my travel to the end or at least most of it .
What I learned:
Now I know how Narcism works. Damage someone life, dream, money and something that is important are quite distinctive with a Narcissist Relationships
You can not change this type of person so please don't try
Damaged by the Narcissist will have long term healing process same as war/death/divorce - post-traumatic stress disorder.
And i learned so much about my self, especially of self care and self love and emotional boundaries - it cost a lot and its worth a lot. - Thank you Marije - and thanks to all other Narcissistic Person I meet in my life - I earn skills hard way
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